Thursday, April 17, 2014

Captain's Log... The Fix is in...

Used without permission from these guys:
If they're scared they should say they are scared!

Earlier this week I had the 'pleasure' of playing another 'bashy' team. While not the results I hoped for, they weren't as bad as thy could have been.

Crime Report #7 - Rigged

Ladies and Gentlemen... and all those paid off with dirty money...

We here at the Fink's front office have come to the conclusion that this season is rigged! There is not other explanation for such the poor outcomes of the fink's matches, injuries, and death received by the singular Skaven blood bowl team.

The Doombeards under the daemonic influence of Daemon Dave Arvelo were quite eager to play this week... maybe a little too eager in retrospect. The Finks were the Doombeards 'night' game after they scheduled an earlier match against vampires. It seems that their sunscreen finally arrived.

The fans showed up in spectacular fashion but the Doombeards won the first battle of the day by attracting every assassin, cutthroat, monster, or tentacle clad creature from parts unknown. The Finks ever loyal fans showed up but kept weapons handy to fend off the 'opponents' well wishers who outnumbered them.

Even the coin toss went against the Finks and the Doombeards elected to take the ball and trot down the field first.

To their credit the Finks didn't get knocked off the field of play right away but there is no way the rats, or any other 'above ground race', can stand toe to toe with chaotic dwarves and bull centaurs augmented with a Minotaur from some plane of existence yet to be discovered!

Clark Smashrip, brother to legendary Glart Smashrip, was in attendance and when he saw what his fellow race of Skaven wee going to face jumped from the stands into the reserve box and suited up for the game. Inspired by the loyalty of the rats to band together in times of need, the retired CornerStone Wizard offered his services and that of his 'companion' Skarlette, a wandering Bloodweiser Babe, just returned from a 'photo shoot' (whatever that is...) in Ellay.

Then the pounding commenced...

Momo the 1st took  the brunt of the offensive charge and received hoof marks on his back for the efforts. Initially it looked like he might have received a 'glass rib' but the teams supply of liquid apothecary saved him and he will only miss the next game.

Raphael the Wolf was next on the list and surrounded by chaotic dwarf linemen and hobgoblins smelling blood on the pitch like land sharks. He was knocked out of the game but will return next match.

Snorky the teams line-rat that kicks the ball and guards the backfield was third on the list to be taken out by the Doombeards. Once again, or should I say for the fourth straight game, Lucky Mikey leaped over the oppositions line ready to head for the end-zone with  his lightning speed and fell to the turf causing a turnover. This error energized the Doombeards who surrounded the kicker and removed him from play.

At this point something is off...

Clearly the 'all strength' team of the Doombeards have the skills to pile on and claw their opponents into submission but it was noted that they surround their opponents before blitzing or blocking. The fans and officials both had a very difficult time even seeing what was going on just moments prior to any kind of 'hit'. Even instant replay via crystal balls could not reveal the events of the rats being taken 'out'.

Clark wasn't taking anymore of it. Already roughed up from being targeted by the opposition he managed to find an opening when the wild animal of a Minotaur showed an opening that was exploitable. Knocking a creature four or five times you size to the ground is one thing but being able to take him out of the rest of the game and the next game is remarkable.

The Doombeards were not amused.

Lining up for another offensive series after a Fink quick score by Mikey, the doombeards wanted blood and blood they got.

Charging down the field with the ball and unexpected bouncing ball caught by a dwarf lineman slowed the game but didn't slow down the rest of the team who stomped an unnamed line-rat into his next life. The dwarfs and hobgoblins in the sweltering heat tore him limb from limb and didn't even return the pieces. Reports are that all dead or dying are the property of the chaos dwarves if the injuries are sustained within a match. Our contract lawyers are still in the league offices over this matter.

By the time expired, the Fink's receivers and throwers were the only players left capable of playing. Everyone else on the team was being treated for injuries, knocked out, or dead. Fat Tony, not one for showing any sympathetic emotion, was seen wiping sweat from his brow in an uncharacteristic manner but immediately jumped on the backs of those able to play in the next match.  'Motivating them' for the upcoming game was priority one.

The Fink's survived but our conclusion is that something is rigged against the Fink's. No one team can have this many deaths, injuries, and bad luck in one season. No one! Our legal team is conversing with the Commish as I write this article but it seems that our 'arguments' are falling on deaf (probably bribed) ears.

Due to the death and injuries from this game, the upcoming game will be played with two journey-rats to evaluated which one will join the ranks of the Finks and perhaps earn a name when they gain some skills.

I will leave you with one bright spot in this dreary season. SinSynn 'Two-Tails' the Breeze has been testing out a new type of pass and seems to have the strength to throw the ball anywhere on the pitch he wants to place it. The downside is that the receivers are having difficult time catching these 'inaccurate' passes. We will see how the 'Hail Mary Pass', named after some amazon nun from a previous season, works out when the clock is running.

I will be in a certain familiar corner till next time...

Official Fink Lawyer and Spokesman
John Walker Redd
Retired Cornerstone Blocker


  1. *chanting*
    Go SinSynn, get yer groove on, it's yer birfday!
    *head bobbing, tentacle waving*

    Hey...wait a sec. The Finks have a 'legal team'?
    Howzat werk?
    I'm pretty sure you meant to say 'illegal team,' but it's like, a typo or sumpthin.'
    We all know da Finks are a suspicious bunch...

    Sorry 'bout da rough season.
    I blame DC.

  2. Ha! Found ya!

    Excuse me good sir, but may I congratulate the finks on their determination to continue on with the season, despite the recurring injuries and misfortune. Their bravery in spite of such odds should warm the hearts of many a skaven for at least three, maybe four seconds. My personal condolences to both Snorky and Raphael, but a big congratulations on Clark for taking out the Minotaur- those things certainly are scary.

    In the mean time, I may take a peak at the previous game reports to search for any hard evidence of bribery, foul play and other general news that can easily be published as hot gossip

    Until the next time!

    Freelance Journalist

    T. War Lock

  3. I appreciate the support from all corners!

    To answer the question of a 'legal team' and being a typo... it isn't. We tried to call it an 'illegal team' but the league officials voted it down. It seems the term 'legal team' can also imply that they are the team that looks into things that are legal and figures out how to do them illegally... whatever that means.

    Freelance Journalist... Well written, well written... XD

    Thank you again for taking the time to read my stuff and comment... I'm sure you have other things you could be doing in your corners.